I tell myself daily:
Know your truth and don't back down! I no longer have room for historical demons and doubts. I will not entertain their foolishness. I do not deserve to suffer and I forgive myself and others for any wrong doing or hurt in the past. I am a product of my experiences and because of that I AM IN CHARGE. My experiences DO NOT define me. What I do now and the lessons I've learned dictates their meaning.
I've always being very emotional and sensitive. I was never very good at sports, mainly because I was not competitive, I liked to be by myself and work on things independently. I took to the arts, painting, pottery, music, dance, and even figure skating - although that proved to be too competitive near the end as well. I was fortunate enough to come from a loving family and had a beautiful childhood. I am grateful for this, especially now that I am a mother, and I see and hear so many heartaches involving families and children suffering in our own backyard and around the world.
When I hit about 12 years of age things changed very fast for me. I didn't have the confidence I saw in others around me. I didn't "bounce back" when someone put me down. I started looking around me and felt different from everyone. Like a freak of nature. I felt so intensely about everything around me. Every person and situation was so meaningful and I didn't understand why this was not the same for everyone else. It was very difficult to navigate through junior high, high school, and even my early 20's feeling this way. And others constantly took advantage of my naiveté.
Without going into details, I have been a victim both crimes of the heart and the law. I further crumbled and these experiences ripped through me and broke me down. I took refuge in hurting myself physically, using drugs and alcohol to escape from how disappointed I was in the world and how I hated myself for not being strong like everyone else. As a result I tortured myself with the guilt and shame I brought to the family dinner table for years.
In my 20's everything changed with the birth of my son. I was not "cured". I still had my struggles but I knew I had to be stronger and I knew he needed me. Over the years I screwed up a few times, I will not lie! By the time I was 25 I think I had seen three or four dedicated mental health practitioners. Number four changed me forever. She told me given my "make up" she probably would have turned out the same way and done the same things. She told me I wasn't inferior to her or anybody. She did not pity me. She had EMPATHY.
Her and I came to the conclusion being told I am "too sensitive", that I need to 'build a thicker skin', and 'not to take things so personally' closely resembled staring at a tomato and telling it to 'become an avocado.' I am a tomato and I own it.
So with the baggage of a divorce, a child, debt, and being a university drop-out to boot I started over. It was a series of one step forward and two (sometimes 3 or 4) steps back. The greatest gift I have given myself over the years though is FORGIVENESS. Being armed with forgiveness allowed me to accept things that had transpired in my life. It allowed me to take responsibility and become accountable with love and acceptance instead of with guilt and shame. Letting go for me was not about giving in, it was (for lack of a better word) transformational and a necessity if I ever wanted to excel in life and not live in a place of hurt and pain.
I started looking at myself (both my body and my mind) and the world around me differently. I looked at food as medicine and exercise as a way to keep the motor running. I became more interested in studying different spiritual practices, homeopathy, naturopathy, and learned to slow down in the midst of chaos. This was instrumental where I lived in the middle of the hustling city of Montreal, Quebec at the time. With the help of others' guidance and literature I learned that the anxiety I feel can be countered with peace.
I recognized for my own healing process (this is different for everyone) it was important for me to do more of what made me feel most connected to people and the earth. This was the opposite of what I was doing before and I learned I could safely express my sensitivity more and more. Today I write, paint, practice yoga, and go for long walks on the beach and in the snow, depending on the season around here. I know that if I am feeling anxious about something that it is important for me personally to quickly assess the situation I'm in and act swiftly because something is likely "off".
I have been focusing on listening more to my intuition and learning about what brings me pleasure in life despite what others believe or think. A hot cup of tea, meditation, and curling up to read a book or a movie sounds like a great Friday night to me! Again, I am not "cured" and life's changes - they are unpredictable, but for the first time in a very long time (likely since childhood) I feel at peace and I am truly happy. I have a long road ahead of me, even this next year is going to be pretty intense, but I am committed to myself and my family my friends and this life.
In the last year I managed to crush my last vice, my evil friend smoking. I have enrolled in school once again, and got back to my yoga practice. I am still just as sensitive (if not more than ever) but I feel stronger than ever. The difference is I've used my experiences and truly listened to what they taught me. I navigated myself away from the negative, into a positive headspace, and now some really big things are happening!
So 2015... I do not believe in New Year's resolutions but I believe in positive daily affirmations. I believe in sharing the good, bad, and even ugly. I believe there is strength in numbers. I believe in myself and I believe in you. I think we need to take the pressure off the New Year, take a deep breath, forgive, accept, and reach out to inspire one another.
Kindest Regards,
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